Tomorrow I will be leaving my two month old with a non-relative babysitter for the very first time. I’m kind of feeling a little weird about it, and want to make sure she is adequately prepped to take care of the fruit of our loins and sole purpose for living. Therefore, I’ve compiled a list of things for her to know before she gets started.
1. I’m going to take advantage of our friendship by giving you daschund-sitting instructions last minute and I’m not paying you extra for it. By the way, there are two of them.
2. Please don’t clean anything. I know the house is filthy and smells a little. We like it that way.
3. You are welcome to any food or beverage you can find. I think there is even some 8 day old spaghetti in the back of the fridge. I was out of beef, so it has hotdog slices in it. Bon appitite!
4. My son is super fun and intelligent. He might teach you some Vietnamese or calculus. You’re welcome.
5. I’m leaving my unpaid bills on the counter. You may pay them if you like. My checkbook is lost, so you will have to use your own.
6. If the child does anything you feel is spectacularly dangerous, you must thoroughly document and post to social media. Don’t forget to tag me. #littleevelknieval
7. His favorite movie is Freddie vs Jason. Puts him right to sleep. You may also try playing him some Korn or Tupac.
8. Nutrition is very important to us. I’ve left some pizza rolls and Mt. Dew for his lunch. Please see that he eats his fill.
9. If you are going to drink while babysitting, I’d really rather you stay in the city limits. Safety first.
10. Use caution when sitting on our toilet. It bucks like a mechanical bull. We’ve installed an airhorn that goes off when you stay on for 8 seconds. Eventually we will get it anchored down properly.
Thank you so much for helping out. I’m glad we have such a caring and responsible friend to hang out with our son while we are gone.